3:31PM
Okayyyy. Back to life, back to reality. I feel like I’ve been on the phone for the past 4 days. Probably what normal people with jobs feel like. What a rush. Thank god I feel alive enough to participate in the grind. After four infusions, my iron has been restored from a 6 back up into the 100 range.
Well, I woke up at noon today, FML, so embarrassing. At least in the music biznus 12pm means 9am in LA, so I didn’t miss much. WhateverWhattaYaGonnaDoRight
I’ve just come back to NYC from a whirlwind of a little road trip. Flew to LA and set off with some cool people to see places liiiiike: the Trona Pinnacles, Area 51, Hotel Amargosa, Vegas, etc!! I can’t put all my content eggs in one content basket, so I’ll just show some cool stuff from Area 51, cuz it’s fall in NYC and I’m rewatching X-Files. Spooky season. ((((this is a cool website for X-Files fans))))
You can’t GO to Area 51 (lame), so when I say I went there, I mean I went to the “Alien Travel Center.” It’s a gift shop with endless alien merch and a surprisingly bomb ass sandwich place in the back. The sandwich part looks like if an old diner got turned into a break-room for the SETI group. The tables were covered with these sunfaded plastic picnic cloths that I’m very inspired by....the idea of spraying tablecloths with bleach / making it look sunfaded sounds beautiful to me.
--- Reminding me of a time when I was waiting tables at a wine bar and the manager had us clean with a diluted bleach mix cuz red wine + white tables = mess. I had to turn a table really quick so I cleared it, wiped it down and then sat this good looking late 30s, very Carroll Gardens couple - the table was still kinda wet :-D. Then I come back and they’re like UM EXCUSE ME!!!!! And I see that the guy’s (nice) sweater has been stained with a big smudge of bleach from him leaning up against the table. Pretty fucked up. They were like “you clean with fucking bleach?” and I just had to stand there like ...
:( yeah. I comp’d their meal and they left a terrible review, which is the least they could do. They could have gone off on me wayyyy more. ---
Um so at the Alien Travel Center I got an Alien Mug, Alien Shirt, Alien NY State ID, a little jar of Area 51 dirt, and a sticker. Oh and a pen that I left in LA fml. I want a shirt that says “I WANT TO BELIEVE,” I think it’s fabric-marker-o-clock!
It’s very cozy in my room right now. I’m watching this netflix show where people tell their personal ghost stories. I just ordered chicken pad se ew and a Diet COke. Five little lamps lit, pink and orange light everywhere. Cold air coming through the window. Wearing a hoodie that I once tried to embroider a skull and cross bones on, but I gave up, so it’s just a strange alien head (on theme). Also wearing my brother’s lightly/barely used socks from high school that are from that skate company Independent lol. I feel aligned with the alien aesthetic I’m seeing as I gather pictures for this post. Cold and glowing.
I keep forgetting to read this book of short stories, “I Am Alien To Life,” by Djuna Barnes. I’m moved by the title alone. I feel alien to life sometimes. My therapist and I have been talking about how I always feel on the outside of something. I feel far away sometimes - like isolation has turned me into an outsider / alien (the drama). I get all locked up. caught up in comparing myself to others. Like sometimes when I’m with people, I get so in my head about my ability to be IN the moment and connecting with people. I feel pulled away from openness, something closing me up and moving me towards judgement. I get so mean to myself thinking like, “everyone else is able to be present and access a comfort and confidence, what’s wrong with me.” Blahhhh. Fear of rejection, release me. Self sabotage be gone. Self esteem, rise! Acutally I’m like getting way too dark rn like chillll. I’m literally fine. The joke about me is that I always think there’s something wrong with me. It’s sometimes funny, sometimes sad. Like what I’m describing is like social anxiety(?) and the real issue is that I always think something is so wrong about me. Instead of just feeling awkward I’m like..“i feel weird, I must be sick in the head and alien to life.” Shhh. Honestly maybe my fancy new iron levels will negate all these feelings and I’ll just BE myself again. I kinda do feel myself returning... like actually my attitude and energy this past week has been spunky asf. Also realizing: I’m not the alien, I have an alien IN ME who is gonna come out laproscopically in November!! Mega Fibroid. I’ll talk ab that later maybe lolz.
Another alien titled book that I liked is “Homesick for Another World,” by Ottessa Moshfegh. It’s some of her short stories. They pretty gooood. Dude I tried to sign up for her substack, like the paid version, why was it like 200 bucks LOL. Mad respect. Also why am I now watching haunting of hill house..kinda feeling it but why are there like seven stories happening.
Tomorrow is Saturday so I don’t have to beat myself up for not waking up before 10am (but fr i have to start waking up earlier). And I gotta see that god damn freaking paul thomas anderson movie. Everyone I know has seen it like 4 times.
My goals for tomorrow are to go for a nice long walk..maybe do the promenade, try to make something for that sync but if it becomes frustrating and awful cuz of interface issue then chill, look into getting my Juno fixed, read The Shards, make meatballs, text some friends, watch hill house I guess. Actually, my goal is to just do ONE of these things.
Goodbye for now
I believe!!
Peace Peace Peace.
( ◣ _ ◢ ) .𖥔 ݁ ˖<3 <3 <3 .˳·˖✶𓆩𓁺𓆪✶˖·˳.