I haven’t been here in a minute. I blame my fibroids that I had removed a couple weeks ago. I’d show you pics, but I don’t know if you can handle it. LMK if you can.
I had ( i think ) 7 fibroids in total. One of them was the size of a 4 1/2 month old fetus. Or, like, a big eggplant. The other ones were just like...crabapples growing out of my uterus. This had been stressing me out and pressing on my organs for about a year. In order to get a proper sonogram, and get people to take me seriously, I had to go to the ER and lie, saying that I fainted from all the blood I was losing on my period. Kinda insane how hard it was getting people to help me. Literally wanna sue my old gyno for being like, “hmm yeah you have some fibroids, but that’s so normal!” like a year and a half ago. Nah she was awesome tho. When I said I wanted ozempic she was like, “but isn’t it beautiful that we’re all different from one another?” .. Facts.
So yas, I had surgery where they pumped my stomach full of air and turned me upside down a little so they could go in with a robot and potato peel out the fibez through my belly button. That’s what’s been going on with me. A huge chunk of me was removed. My accupuncturist referred to my massive fibroid as “the past.” EMOTIONAL. I did a lot of letting go this year, and this was kind of a final push (i fucking hope).
God, this year was NOttt that great. Externally slash on paper, I actually had an okay year, but internally it felt I was living in dorothy’s house mid-twister.
I saw someone on ig say, “why does everything feel like thinking the stipper actually likes me.” I relate.
I feel like this year I had all these waves of sadness and fatigue and I was constantly questioning these feelings in terms of what was ME and what was the Fibroids. Like, am I unmotivated and depressed or is it the iron deficiency? And similarly I started trying to check the negative evil voices in my head, and ask: is that my voice speaking, or is it the voice of an old bully? What’s Real and What’s Cake: The A.I. of it All..The Musical !!
I gotta learn to meditate. That’s probably gonna be the answer to my question of what’s it gonna take for me to accept myself? SORRY FOR THE BAD VIBES I’M JUST THINKING. Catch me here next year.
Let me think of some awesome stuff to mention before I go so I don’t bum you out too much.
1. There’s gonna be a new season of the pitt soon.
2. I’ve liked most of the new movies that I’ve seen recently: Bugonia, Sentimental Value, If I Had Legs I’d Kick You.
3. Stardew Valley is really fun to play. I played like 25-30 hours of it when I was in bed recovering from surgery.
4. Apparently the ozone layer is doing pretty good.
5. Peanut M&Ms family size bag
6. There’s always new music to discover.
7. Lots of hard to find movies are on the internet archive.
8. The world needs you to be yourself.
9. YOU’RE NOT ALONE (the song)
10. This beat that this Priest came up with is so tough
11. I’m like 20 pages away from finishing this book, Never Let Me Go and i gotta say, it’s pretty good. Sci fi is beautiful.
12. Are.na and Tumblr and Critereon Collection.
13. A mellow as F holiday playlist I’m working on it’s not done but shuffle is pretty decent.